| Back after an extended hiatus. |
[30 Apr 2008|10:20am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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Basically...
My modem was broken.
I go to tafe. Mental Health Cert IV. Its ok.
My nan died about 3 weeks ago after being in hospital for ages. That time few by... I have no idea what I have done with myself.
I miss her.
I continue to abuse my body- therefore I am continually sick. I just got off another 5 day bender.
My mum lives with myself and my pop now... I kind of freak out she might somehow read this.
How do I make it private?
Oh well... I am an adult and its my body.
Going to the doctors today. Don't know how it will go.
The highlight since I have been gone?
I MET THURSDAY. CHYEAH. SICK AS.
Thats all really.....
xo
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| Big Day Out and stuff |
[28 Jan 2008|11:23pm] |
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music |
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The Veronicas lol |
] |
HAPPY INVASION DAY!!
Friday- BDO was awesome.
I spent most of the day with morgan and saw everyone I thought I would there! Enter Shikari were my favourite. Still are my favourites. I brought a shirt but I think it got put in the wash accidently the day after :(
I had my first pinga at the bdo... a halfer then a halfer. It was fun but I thought I would be more fucked up. So many people there were drug fucked. The boiler room was amazing, its like a rave I suppose.
I think to myself "I spose its bad that I tried ectasy?" but I don't regret it. Its sort of embarrassing. I dont want my friends to be disappointed in me. Pat was a bit cut I had one first. Its not a race. If I was him I wouldn't try one given his mental stability. Mines alot better nowerdays.
Then I was with Morgan and her friends on Saturday and they were talking about gas, acid and coke and doing lines and stuff and it was way over my head. I didn't feel out of the loop or bad though.... I like learning about this stuff but my overall thought was "this is way beyond me" I don't think I could do the other things, once I said that about pingers too but snorting things? It all just seems to hectic and I like my life and dont want to go a-wall on drugs....
Muching a pill every now and then? Maybe.. but I still approach the situation with extreme hesitation. The only reason I did it was because Morgan is my best mate and she wouldn't lie to me about the effects and knows how to look out for others and teach me what to do and she knew the dealer and knew this particular pills strength and shit... she has been doing the stuff for ages now. And her new bf was there and he understands the nature of it to. so in a crowd of 50 000 people I felt relatively safe.
I am glad I did it on a special occasion.. I always said I wanted it to be special.
Saturday night I pulled a few cones then got maggot and went out. In true Aussie style. The last was having a goth night so we wore the most ungoth yet stupid things we own. Hawiian shirts and pj pants lol. All in good fun.. The music was awesome!!!!
Then we walked around town climbing up stairwells and on historic stuff. The boys pissed off a tower. I had a magical feast at maccas too.
On a downward note. Pat and I had an arguement as ot wether we are best friends. We still are but it hangs on by a thread really. We argue all the time. Over little differences. Seeing things the wrong way.
Its a pain but better than not having him at all.
xoxo
P.S I have lost 2 kg or 5lbs!!!!
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| Mid January. |
[22 Jan 2008|04:51pm] |
Its weird.
I am feeling ok. Like... not happy but ok.. I wouldn't say content either.
I still feel shit about my job. I hate it but I have tooo many days off I need to get a new one.
I really feel bad for pat. My best friend slash ex. He is going through a tough time. Manya drunken teary converstaion and a non drunken one.
He doesn't place enough value on himself. He said that he is sad, lonely, ugly, poor, sick and he might even be homeless if he cant get a house for uni. Its not like th boys will sick he out but he doesnt want to be a couch monkey. He is not ugly. He is heaps nice. He told me that he wanted to kill himself is he was still like this in a year.. so then i cried. He wont. He is far too chicken, he told me himself. But its still scares me.
I am not attracted to him anymore. I don't want to do sexual stuff anymore. He hates that I am not attracted to him. He told me that I am all he has left and that he hardly has me anymore. I think part of the reason I am not attracted is that he is sad all the time. Well.. not all the time. I can't talk I am sad too its just no one knows. I don't need him as much emotionally anymore. We don't know how to have fun as much. I am so afraid of saying something wrong or giving him the wrong impression. He says we were never just friends. I thought we were. I spose when we were just friends he never noticed me as much.
It sounds really bad but it holds me back. Like I go out. Talk to guys and I feel like he is watching me or judging me. And if I hook up he will get mad insane jealous. I am not tooting my own horn here either. Like my mate Jimmy, Pat thinks that there is something going on. Yes we do use sweetie in msg's and type xoxo. But thats it. We have never hooked up. Good mates is it. I don't even see him that often. Maybe once a month? But I cannot change his mind on that one either. It hurts that he doesn't believe me. God, I sound like a mad slut.
For the record- I don't want to hook up with anyone. I just cannot be bothered.
Its far more in depth with many more discussions/arguements etc
So its all kind of weird at the moment.
Big Day Outs on Friday.
woo
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| quick update |
[08 Jan 2008|03:25pm] |
I don't think I got the apprenticeship.
There is a job at Harvey Norman at Muswellbrook...
And I applied for a receptionist job mon/tues/wed... so I could go out! YEW!
And a casual at a book store...
I want the receptionist job.
I don't know. It's all so fucking stupid.
But I really like the tv show on sbs called Skins.
xo
Boys of Summer Tour in 2 days! I get to see Leah, my friend of two year who I have never met.
Fuck its hot.
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| New Job (*hopefully) |
[04 Dec 2007|11:06pm] |
"Jewellery Maker and Repair Apprentice"
Pro's-
+Make more money
+New skills
+Something interesting that I may actually care about
+I can be creative and practical
+The possibility that I may be able to keep my piercings in and not cover them up
+I can move out
+See my old friends
+live a more adult existance
+Sydney 4 days a month for tafe [shopping!]
+no uni
Con's-
+Move back to muswellbrook
+for 4 years
+away from my friends in newcastle :( I LOVE THEM!!)
+Dislike muswellbrook
+Sydney 4 days a month [travel >.<]
+I dont have enough belief in my creative abilities I dont think. I am not a top drawer.
Newcastle is only 2 hrs from muswellbrook; its not that far to come back every second or third weekend to visit my peeps.
Muswellbrook is pretty dodgy. If I live with my rents I will spend about an hour a day travelling and dont want to pay for petrol money :(
I want to move into town with some people. Jessie Jane perhaps. I would go through a tank a week which is about $40.... I could live with Sarah but she only has a casual job. I want stability if I move out.
At least if I got it I wont be under the long arm of student night and wont be spending as much money.... maybe... gosh, I dont know.
I probably wont get it anyway.
>_< I want it real bad.
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| My best friend and i |
[27 Nov 2007|11:00pm] |
I got there at 8pm and didn't leave till 3.30am.
She really is the best friend I have. FRIGGIN LOVE KIM!
We went to see if Tash was home but she wasn't so we left Doritos on her car!
We decided that by december next year we both will have lost 10kgs.
So I shall be 65kg. Thats 143 pounds. Its a goal to start with. Hopefully once I get into the swing of things it will be easier. I cannot not eat like I used to, I no longer can just bypass food all together which sucks but I will work on it. 65kgs is still huge but its better than what I am now.
I will see how I go. I hate walking but now I have an mp3 player so I guess its easier... I would really like a treadmill. And something that will tone my thighs.
Pat and I fought on tuesday night. He thought I was using him for inimacy and shit. So I told him about my cutting and my saddness and such. He understood. Then on wednesday night when I went out he got madd when I gave a guy my number... I didnt want a hookup, we just made friends. Its like "I dont go out with you, I am give my number to who I want." I asked him what I did wrong. He just got really pissy. Like making slurrs at me whilst we were walking and such. It hurts. I dont go out of my way to hurt him. He takes things the wrong way sometimes I think.
Then at scotts he said "we are basically like a couple but without the tittle" I suppose we are but I dont like it.
I read a quote today and it went "just because someone doesn't love you the way they want doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have"....
I will always love him. Just not as much as him me. If I get a bf is he going to say I used him as someone to hold onto till I found a new bf? He will get jealous. He will get pissy at me. He will fight with me. And I will put up with it.
No. Not the fighting. Not anymore. Not his pissy drunken moods. Game on. We aren't a couple. Thankfully he shares a room with another so we cannot fool around anymore. I said I didn't want to do it as much as we have. I got heaps scared. I wont put up with the moods anymore. He shouldn't bring me down, he is sposed to be my best friend. I am always there for him and I only get pissy when he gets pissy at me for no reason.
oh well. shit happens. I shall deal. We are heaps fucked up individually, together we are a proper mental case.
My ex best friend is being tested for bipolar and depression or something. I feel so stupid. How could I have not noticed? Not "ohh its just melodramatic meg being meg again?" Things make sense. I feel like an idiot. I thought I knew these things. You think I should. She is still my friend but she destroyed my trust. I just feel bad now for leaving her when she was going through a shit time.
I was terry too. I loves him. He is still with Zak which is sexy. He is so great to talk to. I loves him muchly. We gossip. We are like this gossip circle. Because we trust one another we can tell and know that we will only tell one another or those who we both trust with our lives.
So thats all.
CIRCA SURVIVE IN 2 DAYZ!
xoxo
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| An in depth analysis of my pot smokage. And ciggies. |
[16 Nov 2007|08:46pm] |
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I smoked pot for the first time when I was in year 11 in a double free period with my two friends Kimmy and Hugh.
That is also when I learnt to smoke a cigarette properly. Otherwise I had bum puffed till then.
So then I didn't really have have much until I was at Scottydots house. And Vic sketched out really badly. Once he stopped believing he was inn a video game and rocking on the floor like he was having a fit to the japanese techno and fell asleep we then had some.
If was quite the funzorrz.
So, I now have two seperate entities who like to indulge. The renters and the Schoolies. I know they sound lame.
Kim moved in with Shantel in year 12. She was an awesome yet slightly immature 19yr old who was my assistant manager at work. She also like the weed. So, myself, the two renters and meg used to go there, when ever, after parties, such as Crystals 18th or Davids 18th, or even after work and get high as kites. Sometimes Bethy would join also. We would stuff ourselves with salt and vinegar chips or cook pasta then we would run to Kims room so no one would eat our precious banquet. There was a card game that I watched Beth and Meg play. It was the funniest thing to watch. I guess you have to be there. At times Kim and Meg would turn up at my Van, Meg in the process of greening out and Kim drunk as fuck. I really loved that house. It was ALWAYS interesting. NOTE: I said interesting, not always fun. My beloved Kimmy (at that stage of her life) was unstable and attempting to find herself, whilst being in love with a boy who only used her for a quick fuck. Dirty bastard. Once she got so drunk at a party she started to yell at him and throw her bottles around that Meg and I (incredibly stoned mind you) had to drag her to Megs car screaming at her so get in. We basically forced her in there. She left the party with a huge dint in her small self esteem. Then she locked herself in her room and cried for hours, not letting us in for a long time. We were so worried about her. Because Meg and I were her closest confidant we knew that she had gone and seen a counsellor for her issues and had done things to herself that scared us. We just didn't want to lose her. And we didn't. There was a time where she could have fallen through the cracks but now she is happy with her boyfriend, having moved in together in a stable, adult relationship.
And we used to eat all the cheese when we were stoned. Plus we greened someone out on purpose once.
Eventually Kim moved back with her mum and she stopped smoking it, she got a new job and a new boyfriend and was all great. Meg, I think didn't smoke as often either. As for myself, I did a little, I digged fag sticks more though and I was more into drinking at that stage and in the last 5 months of year 12 I managed to throw up a number of times.
So the new year came and went. I started uni and was fairly straight laced. My grades were shit, but I was a lazy student. I didn't go out too much because I always worked. I hardly smoked cigs either, unless I was pissed..
Then I broke up with pat. And he started smoking more. Marijuana and cigs. I smoked more cigs.
Eventually we became friends again and I, pat and his funshizzle uni mates smoked weed. So I fell into it again.
I also go to the Boys house alot (muswellbrook friends) and I get stoned there too. Before I go out and it is so unexpensive for me.
So why do I smoke weed? Some do it to escape "real life" or whatever and some do it for the feeling and because they like how it makes them feel. Its a bit of both for me. With alcohol I feel awesome yet tired, but throw some pot in and its awesome. It puts me in a better mood. Its fun. And great.
Would I smoke weed by myself? If I lived in my own house without my grandparents, yes I would. I would be really paranoid at first though. Have a joint before bedtime.. sounds sweet as.
Drugs other than weed? I got offered a pinga the other day. I think I may just have to take it. Not all of it at once. But some. I said yes. I just wouldn't do ice. I suppose its the "reefer madness" of our generation. haha.
I know drugs are bad for you, just like smoking is. I smoke all the time. I can read a packet. I am not illiterate. I have seen the adds. I know. My mother doesn't like it that I smoke. She knows I do when I drink but normally? Ignorance is bliss I think. She knows but she wont say much. My family will rip me off about how gross it is, blah blah blah. I couldn't really give a fuck. I am who I am.
Truth be told I am a bogan. A moderatley depressed bogan who works at a cheap store that likes to smoke pot and drink will she's seeing everything through a kaliedescope. Thats about it really.
.......
I cried for 3 hours on Saturday night. yay >.<
....
what a shit post.
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| Guh. |
[13 Nov 2007|05:29pm] |
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Money sucks.
So many things I want to buy/have brought but need to save for..
- Christmas
- Tattooooo (picture at end of post)
- Hair extensions $350... just some madd arse bangs.
- Big Day Out (got tix)
- Boys of Summer Tour (got tix)
- Soundwave (got tix)
HOLIDAY FOR MY BIRTHDAY TO QLD TO SEE MY BESTIE MORGAN WHO IS BORN ON THE SAME DAY AS ME!!!!
I think my car needs a new gear box.
Its an old car so I don;t know if I will be able to find one.... hopefully the clutch is just worn...
I spend to much moolah on alcohol.
Dear Elle.
No drinking unless its a very special occasion from now till end of January.
Fuck that will kill me. Summer holidays ARE drinking holidays. (Actually any day is a drinking day.)
Maybe MODERATE drinking lol
......
I have been dabbling in the pot lately.... it means I dont spend that much when I am out.
I AM A HORRIBLE VEGETARIAN. I HAD TWO CRISPY CHICKEN DELUXE BURGERS FROM MACCAS WHEN I WAS PISSED LAST NIGHT.
My situation with pat isn't really much better. He thinks I am annoyed at him if i am quiet then I get annoyed when he says that if i am not. And when he is drunk he can be really I dont know... mean. This guy, David wanted to hookup right? And pat was pressuring me to do it... I was like "NO"
Sometimes I think he wants a real reason to be madd at me, other than I broke his heart then rolled over it and now I am all hott and cold. See if its just us, its fine. But distance makes me rethink that perhaps I dont love him. Point is, he is still waiting for me. What is I am never ready? He doesn't deserve this. It just makes me frustrated. At myself. And when we are drinking he always thinks I am with a guy. Like I got a message last night saying where are you? I wrote maccas and then he sent one back saying something like "ok you're with him, sorry" I dont know whether he was annoyed at me for not telling him where I was going,? I was with Frenchy, my brother form another mother!! And he was worried about Lek too. He gets all downer and stroppy when he is pissed. Well, when I am there anyways, for realll... I dont know what he is like normally when he is out.... like he isnt happy. And I think "maybe if I wasn't there he would be!". The other night I could tell he was making jabs at me. "Dont you ate it when people fuck you over" blah blah blah. He can just be really insulting. I was quite madd at him that night. But after I brought him a kebab it was ok. Eventually I will yell at him I do think.... Just cause I was annoyed. Like when we were going out once he chucked a woopy cause i said i wasnt going back to his house (turns out he had only come out to see me and so i could stay there so fair enough... i understand) but then he had the "grrr" to walk in the opposite direction on the otherside of the road.. AFTER he had been at the train station waiting just to see if we would care and he completely ignored us. Then I msg'd him and he denied it so I went after him and cried alot because i felt so annoyed and scared... He said he felt like he was being ignored the whole night... gah!
Kettle of worms right there friends... don't get me started. Best friend ever.. sometimes I just get annoyed. Its probably for no reason really, just me. Its all my fault really. Our whole situation.
When we do stuff he always tell me he wants me. Like to have sex. I don't dig sex.... HELLO? Virgin here. Sex is a no no.
Uni is over... I am so happy. Now I must work. work. work. And save. save. save.
I LOVEE YOUSSS!!
Brightly coloured with the words Breathe Deep, Seek Peace underneath it. Its a tokidoki design I altered. And more in the background. She also has a tattoo of a geisha and shizzle on her sleeve.
And its on my back, A4 page put portrait view!
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| bad, |
[12 Nov 2007|09:31pm] |
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bad.
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| razorbladezzz |
[12 Nov 2007|09:25pm] |
| [ |
music |
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GOtye- Hearts a mess. |
] |
I feel less than shit today. Like dirt, I feel horrible. I am shit. I am shit. I am shit.
Wow.
I just got a blade out of a razor.
Wish me luck.
Edit: Pretty sure that was amazing.
xoxo
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| FAT FAT FAT |
[10 Nov 2007|11:57pm] |
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FUCK THIGHS. STOMACHS. ARMS. BACKS FAT.
I WANT TO BE SKINNY. I LOVE SKINNY. I FEEL SO AWFUL.
SO. ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AGO, I LOST ALOT OF WEIGHT BY SKIPPING/CUTTING DOWN MEALS. I WAS THINNER AND IT WAS NICER AND PEOPLE NOTICED... I WAS ALSO DEPRESSED AT THE TIME, HELL I STILL AM. THEN I FELT BETTER EMOTIONALLY. THEN I PUT ON THE WEIGHT. FUCK FUCK. I HATE MY BODY. IT MAKES ME CRY. AARRGGGHHH I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER DAMMIT. WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE I WAS BEFORE. I AM STILL MOODY AND SAD AND ANNOYING BY FOOD IS MY CRUTCH NOW RATHER THAN WHAT I AVOID TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER.... BUT ITS MAKING ME FEEL WORSE.
A trick of mine was to lick the flavouring but leave the biscut.
I AM SORRY TO EVERYONE WHO READS ON FURTHER AND SEE'S MY FATTINESS.
NO MORE. >_<
FATTY BITCH. I HATE MY THIGHS. WORST EVER.
and if i was brownnnnnnnnnnn. Just because I can.
Love you all.
EDIT: I TOOK THE PHOTOS OUT BECAUSE THEY ARE VULGAR.
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| Pets + cuts + general update |
[24 Oct 2007|01:05am] |
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music |
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seal- kiss from a rose. |
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if been a while since I have posted. Mainly I just lurk and read posts....
So, what do you think?
Do pets make u feel better?
I am pet sitting my familys dog for a while and i feel better than i would otherwise. I just have to look at Clover. I know I cut tonight. But No where bad as I realised I felt. I can feel myself feeling worse but then I look at her.
I loves my dog.
She's gone home now...
I just cut myself, nothing major except that it was some small nicks on the side of my wrist whereas I am normally an upper thigh girl. The skin is so much softer. Its heaps weird...
Yeah so here is a string of messages I got off pat.
Pat: Listen sorry if I came off harsh (on msn). Its my own stuff and so I'm sorry to drag you in.
Me: We are still friends so we can talk about it if you want. Its all ok.
Pat: No we can't I have moved on and should have stayed at that. So its up to me. But thanks all the same.
Me: Its ok, just as long as you know I am here to talk too if ever need be.
Pat: Yeah I think you are the wrong person to talk too, no one else knows so I'll just do it myself. Good night.
Me: Ok then. Sleep well.
Pat: Yep.
Why does he have to send the yep? I understand that he is distancing himself from me so he wont fall back in love with me. But can he not just leave it at the yep. I am really annoyed. I am trying to be a good friend. I still need him. He says "unrequited loves a bitch" WELL I AM FUCKING SORRY. SORRY I AM LIKE I AM. I DONT LOVE YOU ENOUGH. I WISH I COULD BUT I CANNOT.
When I am with him its great but when we are apart its like we aren't hardly friends. I love to be around him.
I love that he loves me even though I don't love him back the same strength. How horrible am I? It makes me feel good about myself. Grrr. Its so fucked uppity. We have this friends with benefits thing going on. Tomorrow should be interesting. Msn conversations are the worst bits. The internet and mobiles are such a pain. He is such a pain. But he isn't.
Why oh why?
Why did I have to fall in love with my best friend then fall out of love with him?
Why did he have to fall so madly in love with me?
Why can't I just be a bitch and cut him out? It would be so much better for him?
Why do I still need him?
Why am I fearful of the ultimate act of sexual intimacy?
Why am I fat?
Why does he have to make me feel so safe and at ease?
Why can I not love him?
I just want to shred myself to pieces.
I wont do anything sexual with him tomorrow, no matter how drunk I get.
Fuck. Fuck life up the bumhole.
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| Marijuana |
[06 Oct 2007|10:26pm] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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music |
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thursday |
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I guess it has been a while...
I would like to take you back to Thursday when I went over to Pats house to get drunk.
I did. We drank a whole bottle of vanilla vodka.
Then I had not one... not two but about 4 cones.
See I have never drunk and gotten stoned. Once I had a cone then had maybe 4 drinks and I was stoned. I love the feeling when stoned, we used to have great funnn, cooking feasts and laughing at shizzle that wasn't really there...
but Thursday night was a bad idea.
I threw up 4 times from about 12:15 to 5am. Pat is so lucky I didn't throw up on him. That I actually woke up. It hurt so much all that throwing up. Friday was the worst hangover in my life, I slept most of the day whilst feeling overly queasy. I greened out really badly. I ate half a can of spaghetti and one slice of pizza. The smells in the kitchen made me want to hurl. The 20 minute drive home was the worst. I was drowsy and was most likely still over the limit, I had (and still have) aching joints and a light fever.
I managed to tell nan that I caught a stomach bug. I hate lying to her but if she knew it would be terrible... I didn't go to work today so that was all gay but I didn't sleep either because my 3 cousins aged from 8 to 4 came over. So I am pretty wrecked.
And to make matters worse I missed my best friends party because I didn't think I could survive the 2hrs drive to her house. I feel heaps bad about it too.
Right now I am sleepy, still slightly queasy, although I don't know if cause my stomach is empty or not.... and my throat is going crazy.
Another thing on my mind. Why am I so confusing??
Pat still loves me.
I love him some of the time.
I dont know what love is anymore....
He thinks I love him. But I wont admit it.
I wont because I cant. Because I dont know.
But he is awesome and I dont want to hurt him.
I know I will again.
Eventually.
Yet I still carry on like I do.
We kiss and do stuff.
Not sex.
Not ready for sex.
I don't want it.
Its like giving the last bit of myself away.
WHY IS EVERYTHING SO CONFUSING.
I bring it upon myself really.
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[16 Sep 2007|10:10pm] |
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I hate living right now.
Yoyo central.
And I have no one I can talk too.
I dont want to talk to anyone really.
I want a new blade.
I want a new life.
A new body,
I want to be weightless.
I dont know.
I feel so lonely.
Coming down from such a great weekend sucks.
I just feel like shit.
ciao my bella.
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| Pissed off. |
[13 Sep 2007|11:35pm] |
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OH MY FUCKING GOD.
HOT THEN COLD.
DON'T FUCK MY HEAD AROUND.
I REALLY WANT TO BE MATES.
THEN YOU GO ALL COLD AND DON'T TELL ME WHATS WRONG WHEN YESTERDAY EVERYTHING WAS FINE.
FUCKING HATE YOU MSN.
"READ INTO THAT TOO"
I CANT HELP IT!!! I WORRY ABOUT YOU!! I WANT EVERYTHING TO BE OK AGAIN!! THEN YOU GO AND BE ALL WEIRD ON ME.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I AM FUCKING TRYING.
I AM FUCKING SORRY YOUR HURTING.
DON'T FUCKING PUSH ME AWAY.
BUT YOU WILL.
FUCK.
WHY DO I BOTHER? BECAUSE YOUR THE BEST FRIEND I HAVE EVER HAD.
BUT IF US FUCKING ROUND LIKE WE HAVE BEEN IS GOING TO DESTABILISE US EVEN FURTHER I DONT WANT THAT. I DON'T WANT TO JUST GO OVER YOUR HOUSE, SMOKE AND FOOL AROUND. I AM AFRAID THAT EVENTUALLY THAT WILL BECOME ALL IT IS AND THAT FUCKING SCARES ME. YOU STILL LIKE ME, YOUR IN LOVE WITH ME STILL..... WHATS THIS DOING TO YOUR HEAD? I DONT WANT YOU TO FEEL LIKE I AM USING YOU FOR MY OWN PERSONAL PLEASURES. BUT THATS HOW I FEEL. ITS LIKE I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU. EVEN THOUGH YOU INITIATE IT. ITS SO FUCKED. I CANNOT HELP BUT FEEL THAT WAY. ARE YOU HOPING I WILL FALL BACK IN LOVE WITH YOU? I COULD TALK MYSELF INTO IT MAYBE ON THE SURFACE BUT MY HEART WOULDNT BE IN IT.
FUCK. ITS ALL SO FUCKED.
[I am on the phone to you right now]
Your going to talk to me about it.
Thankyou.
And i was almost about to do something stupid.
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[11 Sep 2007|06:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
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| [ |
music |
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Emery |
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Absolutely nuts.
Last tuesday everything came out of pat about the break up that hadn't; all his frustration and pent up feelings. So we didn't get any sleep that night... i spent about 4 hrs crying, but he couldn't see because it was on msn. I cried so hard I cut myself. I did not even feel it. Then because I make rash decisions and wrote him a letter, DROVE all the way to uni and slipped it under his door then went and slept in my car for 3 hours..
I felt like shit all Wednesday.
Then I spent 5 hrs there on wednesday to sort all the shit out and we just laid there and hugged.
He visited on Thursday and all was fine.
Come Monday its awkward again and he basically says maybe its best to cut ties. I had said all I had to say on the matter already and I wasn't about to needlessly repeat it all... I was ready to walk for him. Leave if it made him better. So we decided to just be friends and we joked around and stuff but eventually we ended up just lieing in each others arms like we did before we went out even.
You see before we went out we were best friends and I cannot remember a time when we didn't share a bed and hug.
So then we had this big discussion about whats going to happen when one of us gets a bf or gf we cant exactly stay like this.
So I slept over his house. I was tired and it was to late to drive home. Like 4am.
THEN in the morning he got a morning glory. So yeh. Then he said he was still attracted to me. And I discovered I am still attracted to him sexually. So we did second base. Then I cried. I CRIED. I just felt so gross that he had to touch me. My horrible legs and such. He knows about my old scars but not the knew ones. I almost yelled "DON'T TOUCH MY LEG!" but i didn't yell I just spoke. So I kinda felt like a hussy, having never done that with someone who I wasn't with. At least I know where he has been though... Yeh, We got over it and went outside for about 5 smokes (we smoke like chimneys when together) then went back inside and got to third. At least I didn't cry. Then he started telling me that its possible that some of the sperm from the from the first time was still on his fingers. Cause they touched my privates. I was like ARRGGHH!! I freak out easily.
So we went from passive aggressive to aggressive to best friends to not really friends to friends to best friends to friends with benefits.
I don't know how I feel about the whole thing. It makes me kinda weird and uncomfortable. I don't want it to be a regular thing. Cause I don't want it to backfire and totally ruin our friendship. Thing is, I don't mind doing stuff to him but I cannot stand him touching me. I just feel gross.
So its a really fucked up relationship at the moment.
I wonder what he will tell his psycologist tomorrow.
I am just feel really confused.
Gah,
xoxo
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| Masturbation |
[28 Aug 2007|04:55pm] |
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The Receiving End of Sirens |
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So I have done this dirty deed a couple of times but never to I feel satisfaction and happiness when I am finished.
I am just relieved its over.
The other day I did it and whatnot.
Then I cried.
Then I cut myself.
I think its better when your intimate with someone. I miss that and the security net when you have a boyfriend.
I have never had sex though. My legs are scarred. Well my right top thigh to be exact.
I sound so la-di-da about the whole thing as I write this but it s only because I know that know one I know will ever read this. No one knows my live journal exists. I am so disgusted at myself for doing it, I hadnt for a long time. I hardly felt it when I did. I was just so mad and sad at myself. I was just overwhelmed with everything. I have self image issues and they actually get worse the closer to my period... I get really pissy these days too.
I have also been really bad with my eating habits lately. I went home for the weekend so it just went out the window.
I still smoke. My family doesnt know- even though I am an adult.
Thats all for now. I hope you are well!
xoxo
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| Drunken nights And food frights. |
[09 Aug 2007|06:21pm] |
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Wednesday- One bowl of canelloni that I made myself :)
4 pulses
2 Long Island Iced Tea's
(I think thats what I had..... I know I wasn't naughty.. perhaps the iced teas should be included in today haha, after all it was early this morning)
So I got heaps drunk... IN HEELS! I kissed a boy..a peck on the lips because I gave him a ciggie... shouldn't he have kissed me? He was cute though... Ravelle and I danced lots! Pat was out and Hayley tried to talk to me about him. I AM SICK OF ALL THIS EMOTIONAL SHIT! HE SHOULD LEAVE HIS LOVE FOR ME AT THE DOOR. I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT RIGHT NOW FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! Mind you when I am pissed I am so free and happy. Happy. I dont usually feel that happy. Not anymore. I am doing it to myself. I know that. Duh. Anyway I spooned Leks legs last night cause I was heaps cold but I didn't want to ask for a blanket cause he was sleeping like a baby. Eventually he woke up and shared. He is a great friend. I hate the smell of expired alcohol. I think I was drunk when I woke up. I read the analog clock backwards. It was 9:40am I thought it was 3:20pm and I lept outta bed cause I was missing uni. But lek pointed it out then I fell asleep again till midday. Gavin called me gorgeous in a msg.. I hope I haven't given him any wrong messages.... I dont want a relationship. So today I felt like shit. Nothing new really. I just want to cry alot... and the closer I get to my period the worse it gets. I just dont feel happy. It is 6:34pm and I have eaten a rice cake and some left over canelloni. I have also been drinking tonnes of water.. Going out tonight but I shall be sober as I am working tomorrow. Ignore the pain. |
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| FATTY. |
[07 Aug 2007|09:48pm] |
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There is a weird noise outside...
I am scared to open my door..
Like something is dying.
Today I ate. One bowl of rice bubbles. 3 donuts. A bowl of scrambled eggs w veges in it. I think thats what I ate. If I be good and only have three small meals like I did today I will reward myself. For the next two week.s I will be like this. Then if I am good I shall get my septum pierced. Cutting down my meals has to be a gradual thing for me.
I will keep rewarding myself.
When I do good things.
After piercings its tattoo for rewards :)
DRINK LOTS OF WATER BIATCH!
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